I open my eyes

The room is still dark.

My toes are cold. Actually, all of me is cold.

I pile on another blanket and keep shivering.

This is a cold that can’t be fixed with blankets.

It’s fear-cold.

I can’t go back to sleep. 

Today’s the day I lose everything.

3:30 AM, Saturday, March 5, 2011

I open my eyes

The room is still dark

My toes are cold. Actually, all of me is cold.

I grab my half of the covers and snuggle closer to my girlfriend, nearly squishing the cat, who has managed to wedge herself in between us.

I go back to sleep with a smile on my face.

Today, I have everything I’ve ever wanted. She’s asleep right next to me.

3:45 AM, Monday, March 5, 2018.

 

Seven years ago, I thought my life was over. Turns out, it was just beginning.

The irony that my anniversary with my girlfriend falls on the same day as the anniversary of my ‘liberation’ from the cult isn’t lost on me. Not in the slightest.

And this morning, as we sat at the table eating our breakfast, I looked at the beautiful woman sitting across the table from me, and burst into tears. I’ve been weepy all day actually.

Seven years ago, I couldn’t see how my life could continue.

I couldn’t find any hope.

I’d lost everything I’d ever loved.

So I tried to end my life.

I looked into my girlfriend’s eyes this morning and was profoundly grateful that I failed.

Seven years ago, I cried myself to sleep every single night for 8 solid months.

EVERY. NIGHT.

I cried tears of failure, of anger, of grief, of hopelessness, of loss, of confusion.

This morning, I cried tears of love, of joy, of happiness, of gratitude.

When I left the world I’d known, seven years ago, I lost everything.

I couldn’t even fathom where my life could go from there.

Today, I sat at that table, ate bite of my yogurt and had a monumental realization:

I lost everything I had

And found everything I ever wanted.

Happy freedom day to me.

Happy first anniversary to US.